I’d Like To Change My Answer Please!

We all know that hindsight is 20/20, but nowhere does that particular axiom hold truer than in the realm of parenthood. As parents, we have all had those moments of, “Wait, can I change my answer??!!”, when things go horribly awry…usually immediately after having given what we mistakenly thought was a perfectly logical & acceptable answer, often to completely innocuous questions. So allow me to pass along the gift of hindsight, from someone who has “been there, done that” when it comes to parenting small children. Perhaps it will save you a few of those, “Holy crap, can I change my answer??!!”, moments…

Summertime & campfires…

Mommy, can I have a marshmallow?? Or ten??

Not unless you’re prepared to scrape them off the ceiling half an hour later as they giggle manically, possibly flinging poo at you….that sh** is liquid sugar man, you may as well give them crack.

Mommy, can I have a sleepover??

Why not? Since I’ve already sacrificed over a decade of sleep for my own brats, it might be fun to live vicariously, take a walk on the wild side, & try making the sacrifice for someone else’s rotten kid. Nothing I love more than spending my entire weekend dragging my exhausted ass around cleaning up popcorn, chips, spills, DVDs, toys, & every pillow & blanket in my house….oh, & grocery shopping to replace all the food those bottomless pits of brattiness managed to consume.

Mommy, can I have a Facebook account?

Yeah, when you move out & buy your own damn computer. And know how to handle Punk Ass boys. But I love you.

Mommy, can I call my friend?

No…never…ever ever ever….once is all it takes with girls….I refer you back to the crack. Of course, maybe you don’t give a crap about racking up your cell bell just to use a phone in your own house.

Mommy, can I have an X-Box?

Only after you give me a hug & say goodbye…because I will never lay eyes on you again. I’ll miss you my boy!

Mommy, I don’t want to wear that, can I change my outfit?

For the love of GOD, NO! Stomp THAT sh** out before it even starts….keep their clothes under lock & key, ration them out as needed, & if you can get away with it, make the transition to uniforms for all of them. Freedom of choice & independence MY ASS! Power struggles & dying a slow, mind numbingly dull, death wading through never ending laundry are your only reward for buying in to that nonsense.

Mommy, can I pour my own juice?

Just as soon as you can use a mop sweetie!

Mommy, can we have a pet?

They may as well be asking if YOU can have a pet…because make no mistake about it, it WILL be YOUR pet. Forever.

Mommy, can I help bathe the piggie?

They may as well be asking if they can kill the piggie.

Mommy, can I have ice cream?

Of course you can Princess, it IS a party after all! And even though all you’ve eaten today is crap, I don’t mind at all that in another hour, I’ll be pulling our brand new mini van over to the side of the road to clean up that ice cream when it decides to replace my new car smell with the lovely aroma of puke.

Mommy, can I be a cheerleader/play hockey/do anything extracurricular?

Of course, how selfish of me. Let’s do all the things that YOU wanna do. I’d be thrilled to drain my bank account & sacrifice every mother lovin’ second of my life to chase you all over town while you pursue your interests…

Mommy, can we take a bath?

Why not, my bathroom could use a thorough hosing down….just let me make sure no one is in the room below in case you finally manage to dump enough water out to cause the ceiling to cave in.

Mommy, can I sleep with you?

This is one of THOSE questions…the conniving little buggers get ya with this every time! Children do not possess the wherewithal to stand on their own, & fend for themselves. To compensate, they have been blessed with a wily intelligence that far surpasses ours, & they rely on their overdeveloped powers of disgustingly cute neediness to blind us to their scams. Take another look at that question. Do you see it? Or have you been blinded by the cute needy crap? I was….& as punishment for my foolishness, I have been forced to suffer through many a night of knobby knees digging in to my back, tiny toes kicking me in the ass, fidgety fingers tangled in my hair, hot sweaty little furnaces draped across me, & even nasty head butts from time to time, from creatures that apparently equate sleeping to break dancing. Have you figured it out yet?? I really hope you do…before it sucks you in….

Granted, this is but a small sampling of “hindsight” in action. Even with what little sleep I do indulge in, there’s simply not enough hours in a day to cover them all. The real nightmare, however, is yet to come, when those questions & answers revolve around far bigger issues with far bigger consequences. So as Mayor, I reserve the right to change my answer any time I damn well please…because I love you my babies, & it’s for your own damn good!

Signed,

The Mayor!

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Tagged as: Can I change my answer, cell phone, extracurricular activities, Facebook, flinging poo, freedom of choice, Hindsight is a bitch, kick in the ass, marshmallows, parenting, Punk Ass boys, sleepovers, uniforms, X-Box